Bleach Encyclopedia, Episode 1: A Death God Ain't Really a God
Technological Issues Black. That's how anyone would've described it at the moment. There was no scenery, no luscious forest or bright sky. Everything was an eternal darkness, all silent. There was no trace of humanity around, and no signs that it had ever existed. Not even the forces of nature seemed to act on anything, completely frozen in time by an unknown force. There was no past, no present, no future. Everything had ceased to exist. Why did this happen? How could such a fate come across all of existence? What happened to the universe? It was very simple. It was dark... ...because a certain ''Quinta'' Espada was unable to work a camera. "Grrr...." An irritated, snake-like voice could be heard through the silence. "Is this thing on yet?" "You moron... the red dot isn't on, yet!" A male voice snapped. "Give me the camera, you tech-illiterate idiot..." "Spoon-chan's not on his best brain today, I suppose...." A female voice muttered lamentingly. "SHUT UP! I don't spend all my life trying to figure out how a casserole works!" "You mean camera." "Whatever, Tiger boy!" "All you have to do is press--" "HEY! DON'T TELL ME, I THINK I KNOW!" "If you knew, then why are we standing here for the past half hour trying to see how it works?" "....go fuck yourself." "What's taking so long?" A second male voice came in, puzzled. "I'm planning on starting now!" "Spoon-chan's having technological issues..." "What...? Here, give me the thing...." "Pfft. If we spent half a goddamn hour trying to figure it out, how could a dumbass like you possibly--" Immediately, the darkness faded away, replaced by what looked like a shaking floor. "There we go! Just had to press this little button." "....." "....." "....." "Nnoitra?" "....yes?" "....you mad?" "I'm going. To Friggin'. Choke your ass." "Ok, now, Nnoitra, you know how to film, ri--?" "I KNOW HOW TO FILM!!!" Nnoitra's voice snapped, obviously irate at having been embarrassed... again. "Geez, Senkaku, do I look like I need someone holding my hand every step of the way?!" "All right, all right, jeez!" Senkaku complained. "Just... Ggio, Melina, get behind the camera. Nnoitra, start filming." Grinning, Nnoitra held up the camera in order for its lens to spot the pleasantly smiling face of Senkaku. "All right. Go on ahead and start." Introductions The lens captured onto Senkaku, who was holding a golden spoon in both hands. "Hello, ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls!" He greeted, idly slapping the circular part of the spoon against his palm. "For those of you who don't know, or were too lazy to read the description page, you inconsiderate retards, this is the Bleach Encyclopedia, hosted by none other than me, Senkaku Ningensei. This is made solely for informational purposes, and the like--" "Do you realize how cheesy you sound right now?" Nnoitra said irritably. Senkaku frowned disdainfully. "Hey!" He warned, raising the spoon and leveling it threateningly at the camera - or more particularly, the tall man who was holding the camera. "Don't make me use this, I was trained with this weapon! When I stab somebody with this, they're not only going to lose their ability to walk properly, but they're also going to run crying to their mothers! It's capable of making even the toughest of hearts shatter!" "... in other words, you shoved it up their ass." "...." "And everyone calls me sick." Nnoitra snickered. "Hey, with all of those images that involve you and Tesla getting it on, I would be glad to be part of everyone!" "Wait, what? What do you mean, i--" "MOVING ON!!" Senkaku shouted abruptly. "Today we'll be talking about a certain problem that's been going on for quite some time in RPing history... now identified as godmodding." Raising that oh-so-deadly spoon up from the camera, he pointed it towards the monitor. He placed his free hand behind his back, doing his best to look professional. "In common cases, godmodding is the act of taking a character, and putting his abilities into a supernatural category. And I just don't mean the common Shinigami, Arrancar, Bount, Quincy abilities! I mean I-Can-Kill-Anyone-With-The-Sticking-Up-Of-My-Middle-Finger supernatural!! The I-Can-Destroy-The-Earth-While-I'm-Sleeping ability! The Mary Sue and John Rambo of the RPing world!!!" The professional look was failing fast, as he was seemingly ranting on now, waving the spoon wildly around. However, when the monitor projected an image on screen, Senkaku quickly recomposed himself. He lifted the spoon again to point at the monitor. "THIS... is an example." He declared haughtily. "His name is Seireitou Hyuga, a character from off of our counterpart database, the Naruto Fanon. Now, I know it might not seem like much at first glance..." He paused for a moment, a rather snake-eye look narrowed at the camera. "But wait till I get down to it. First of all, not only did this guy possess nearly all of the jutsu possibly in the Naruto world, he also apparently enhanced most of them to godly destructive properties. The Kokuho, an energy blast used by the Nine-Tailed Fox, was turned into the Kamehameha attack used by Dragon Ball Z! And I'm not even gonna talk about their power!" "IT'S OVER NINE TOUSEEEEEEEENS!!!" Nnoitra abruptly screamed. "....." "....." "....." "Tch. It's true." "Not to mention..." Senkaku continued, doing his best to ignore the outburst. "Apart from that, he possesses both the Sharingan and the Byakugan, both of which have been enhanced to ridiculous levels. Considering that both the Uchiha, who possess the Sharingan, and the Hyuga, who possess the Byakugan, are two different families. So, in other words, he must have a more versatile relation with future generations-- wait..." A rather surprised and worried look came across Senkaku's face. With his free hand, he put a thumb to his lips. "So that means..." "What is it, Sen-chan?" Melina questioned curiously. "If that's true... then that means... he's my dad.... oh, boy..." Sighing, Senkaku looked a little depressed at the thought, slapping his free hand to his forehead. "Oh, Kaa-san! Why did you have to get married to such an evil menace of society--" "Wait, how old is he?" Ggio interrupted, making Senkaku glance over at him. "Hm? He's like.... 1,000....years old." "Oh. He ain't your father. He's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-g--" "ENOUGH, Tiger boy!!" Nnoitra snapped. "....great-grandfather." Senkaku scoffed. "Well, I'm still gonna get the paddle either way for talkin' bad about my elders, but what the hell. He deserves it!" Once again, he motioned to the monitor. "Another fact, other than that of enhancing the Naruto abilities to otherworldly levels, he also, driven by whatever reason, possessed abilities from other manga and anime! Dragon Ball Z, Bleach, Inuyasha, and even Avatar! You bring other anime to THIS anime?! I say one thing to you." He pointed the spoon at the camera. "GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY INTERNETS." "....what's an Internets?" Melina had to be the one to ask such a question. The threatening tone Senkaku had shown before was now gone, replaced by a look of surprise and confusion. He looked down at the floor, thinking long and hard about it. His mouth opened and closed like a fish breathing in water. "Well...er..." "And more importantly," Nnoitra interrupted. "What the hell are you even talking about? What's this Naruto and Avatar shit? And what the hell did you mean by Dragon Ball Z's power levels?!" "Dragon Ball Z characters have enough power to blow up the Earth with an energy blast." Senkaku muttered, trying to ignore the first two questions. "....what?" "Yep. And that was just from their own manga/anime. They make even Kenpachi look like a baby... so you can safely assume that all of this that this Sei Hyuga possessed could be placed under the category of "total bullshit". Senkaku concluded, nodding sagely. "But the good news is, the creator managed to see the error of his ways, and the article's nothing more than an example of how not to create a character. Now, then, onto the RPing part of the section..." With a flick of his spoon, the monitor changed abruptly towards what looked like a manga panel. Standing in front of the camera was none other than the infamous criminal and antagonist of Bleach, Aizen Sosuke. Behind him were his victims, five Captains (former and current), that had been cut down all at once. "This here's a visual example of auto-hitting. Without any visual effort, this guy..." He pointed towards Aizen. "Cut down five opponents simultaneously, even a senior Captain. One of them even had his Bankai out... and he got fucked up with one slash. And would ya look at the injuries?" The Arrancar winced. "Ugh... Jeezus, that looks painful! How does one live through that?!" "That was nothing compared to Kenpachi..." Nnoitra muttered. "Damn bastard doesn't know the meaning of the word die even if he was about to die!" "A word of advice..." Senkaku closed his eyes for a moment, thoughtful and sage. "Do not act like you can pull off what Aizen did, because this guy was practically being fed by the creators... thought-wise. Captain-level opponents are going to have much better senses than this... if you do, then you will be a very hated part of the Wiki, and we will hunt you down until our trolling makes you cry and shit out your own internal organs, like the five-year-old emo you are. :D" "Urk....Oh, shit...." The smile was enough to make Nnoitra divert himself from the camera and puke. Senkaku rolled his eyes. "What a wuss..." He turned back to the camera and kept up his formal look. "Now, I could go on and on as long as..." He paused for a moment. "Uhm... Melina-chan... could you give me the list, please?" He asked kindly, and slightly sheepishly. A rolled-up piece of paper was thrown at him, and he caught it with his free hand. Holding it by the stem, he let the bottom part of it go. It ended up not only dropping to the ground, but also rolling off-camera. In other words, it was a really long list. "Jeez, this thing is longer than my di--" Immediately, at the sound of voices coming from off-screen, Senkaku froze, looking up from the list and cocking an eyebrow. He turned towards the source of the voices. "W...wait a minute, what?" He shouted back, clearly puzzled. Voices. "Wait, I can't say dick? Why not?" Voices. "What the hell? I've been saying shit and the like, and Nnoitra's been cussing up a storm even before we got this thing set up, what gives?!" Voices. "W...WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK DO YOU MEAN, KIDS READ THIS?!" Voices. "Are you saying that KIDS actually read and watch the managa and anime?! Didn't they ever see the part where Byakuya shreds Ganju as well as Renji with his Shikai and Bankai?! THERE WAS A LOT OF BLOOD!! Also, I CLEARLY remember Yammy smashing through that medic's head after she healed his arm!!! ARE YOU HONESTLY TELLING ME THAT THE WORD DICK IS WORSE THAN HAVING YOUR BRAINS SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR?!" Voices. "...OH, BULLSHIT. FUCK YOU, GUYS!!!" With that, Senkaku promptly turned back to the list. "Now, then. I could go on and on about the Jack-Of-All-Trades Syndrome, Human Limitations, the need for holes in defenses, energy out-puts, the--...." After reading off the list, he was starting to look a little annoyed. Gritting his teeth, he threw down the list and pointed at the camera, clearly angered. "Y, you know what, fuck it. I mean, really! You assholes just love to go straight to the RPing without thinking of these limitations! A user of ours even made a friggin' page article just for this kind of shit! The very least you could do is take the time and read it! It'd save us a lot more patience, and you with more time to get into the fights you all love to get into. But noooooo! Instead, you have to have your god complex and give your characters power that can blow up the Soul Society!! WE LIVE THERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!" He paused for a moment. "Wait... no, never mind, you Shinigami guys are fucked if someone makes a character like that. But still! PLEASE read at least some parts of this article BEFORE you do anything else! For our sanity?!" Taking in a deep breath, Senkaku immediately put on that smiley face. "Thank you for your time to read this very informational section of the fanon. Remember, we love you! Bye bye, now!" "About damn time..." Nnoitra grumbled, hoisting the camera into the air. "My arms were getting tired..." "Wha-- WAIT, NO, NNOITRA!!" Senkaku screamed, lunging forward. "DON'T--" Crunch! And with that, the world went into eternal darkness once again. "....throw the camera." "Oops. Well, I thought it was one of those dispensible kinds of cameras!" "....It cost 400,000 dollars in order to use, maintain, and film with that thing..." .... .... "...for 12 seconds?" "Oh, shut your mouth." The End Category:Bleach Encyclopedia Episodes